Lonely vs. Alone

I am used to being alone. I've lived by myself for more than 20 years. Most of the time, I don't think twice about it. It's just the way things are. I enjoy being alone, too. There's enough introvert in me that needs time alone. If I'm around people too much, I get really tired and cranky. Definitely need some "me" time.

That's not to say that I don't like people. I do. I enjoy the company of others. Would I like to find the "perfect" man? Absolutely. Would he have to be able to give me some space in the relationship? Absolutely again. I would probably not be able to get too involved with a guy who needed to be with me 24x7. If I did live with someone, I would definitely need a room that was my hangout. I would expect him to feel the same. At least my ideal mate would.

But this past few days, I've been feeling lonely. I was in unfamiliar territory on vacation. Not surrounded by my cats and my belongings. But instead surrounded by families and couples, and without the comforts of home. And it made me lonely. It made me wish I had someone to share those experiences with.

It's interesting to me that the same circumstances in my home environment and other environments produce different emotions in me. At home, I don't mind being alone. For the most part, I can go whole days without interacting with anyone I know. I do errands, run to the grocery store, etc. So I have human contact, but not with people I know. And generally, I'm okay with that. I'm alone, yes, but not lonely.

But put me in the same situation but in different environs, and the loneliness sets in. Wikipedia defines loneliness as a feeling of isolation or disconnection. In the world, that's just how I feel. Isolated from those around me. Disconnected from the things and people I know.

Perhaps it's just that in my home, I'm used to being alone and so it's normal for me. I think I'm more aware of being alone and being perceived as alone when I'm not in my normal environment. Out there - in the world - people don't know my circumstances. And I feel judged for being alone. Whether or not that really happens. And I feel like explaining why I'm alone to everyone. Justifying it.

Not that I really understand why I am alone, you understand. It's just that, at home, it's the norm. It's the way it is. It's what I'm used to. It's something that I have tried to change - on occasion with all the forces at my disposal - but it hasn't worked out. I'm alone. Have been for a long time now. And since there's that introvert in me that craves some alone time, I have learned to deal with it. To cope with the loneliness in the being alone.

But in the real world, being alone is perceived as being lonely. Which makes me feel the loneliness in being alone.