Last month, I posted that I was going to write a book before I was 50. A couple of years from now. I even have what I think is a brilliant idea for a book. And one I should be able to accomplish reasonably easily.
Except that since then, I have not written a word. I have thought about writing. I have told several people that I'm writing the book - in an effort to sort of "blackmail" myself into writing. And yet - nothing.
The biggest problem, I think, is that I spend all day in front of computer. I come home, eat dinner, tend my "farm", and crash in front of the TV. Every other day, I try to get to the gym or go for a run, adding an hour or two to the time before I eat and farm. So it's hard to then get my creative juices flowing.
Except that at night, as I'm going to sleep, I write brilliant prose. I have a million ideas. I know exactly what I what to say. I will all flow easily and quickly.
Not.
Perhaps I need to go back to the old-fashioned pen and paper method. Perhaps I could convince myself that way to write, rather than read, each night before I go to sleep. Of course then I'd have to put the written word into typed word at some point. Which also seems like a waste of time. I always feel like I should just start with the typing.
One way or another, I still have this ambition. I just have to figure out HOW. And WHEN. I think I've got the WHAT determined. And I guess that's something.
Maybe.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I Before E
When I was in my 20s, I took the Myers-Briggs test, like most of the rest of the world has at some point or another. I was assessed as an ENFJ, though barely an "E". While the meaning of the last three letters can be challenging to come up with, most people have no trouble with the "E" and "I". As an "E", I'm expected to be outgoing and gregarious.
Except yesterday reminded me how much I'm really an "I". I work in business development - an "E" occupation if there ever was one - and yesterday was my company's annual offsite with all the folks in that organization from the top of the chain on down. It's a chance for us to share ideas and meet each other. It started very early in the morning and lasted through a reception in the evening. All in all, a long day.
As I'm also in the middle of a proposal, I ended up popping out of several of the meetings for conference calls to keep my proposal moving forward. I was hardly the only one. Most people ended up on a Blackberry at some point during the day. It's very hard to keep a room full of "E"s off their phones. On one of those calls, the proposal team decided they needed another call in the evening to talk more details with our partners. I was annoyed because that meant I was going to miss the reception, which really was an opportunity to talk and network. The "E" in me wanted to have a chance to talk to folks outside of the offsite.
The main offsite schedule ended, and I dashed home to be ready for the call. I took off my suit and put on my sweats, fed the cats, and got on the phone. And all but collapsed. All of a sudden, I was completely exhausted. The "E" was done; now I was in full "I" mode.
I find that this is often the case. When I'm around a crowd, I can be very convivial. I enjoy the company of others. At something like yesterday's offsite, I don't feel enervated by being "on". I don't notice the drain until I'm done. But when it's over, when I don't need to be an "E" anymore, I find that I am completely and totally spent.
The same thing happened a couple of weeks ago with my open house. For those four hours, I was happy to have everyone around, talking with my family and friends, and truly pleased to be able to share. And the second everyone left, done. Kaput. I got the house cleaned up and collapsed in front of the TV. It was all I could do not to go to bed. At 7 pm!
They say that the real way to tell an "E" from an "I" is how they get energized. An "E" needs to be around other people to get energy. An "I" is exhausted by being around others all the time. Clearly Myers-Briggs was right. I am right there, in the middle. Enjoying my "E" and energized when I'm in the midst of the crowd. And fully an "I" when it's over. The only thing I think they got wrong is that ultimately, I'm more of an "I" before an "E".
Except yesterday reminded me how much I'm really an "I". I work in business development - an "E" occupation if there ever was one - and yesterday was my company's annual offsite with all the folks in that organization from the top of the chain on down. It's a chance for us to share ideas and meet each other. It started very early in the morning and lasted through a reception in the evening. All in all, a long day.
As I'm also in the middle of a proposal, I ended up popping out of several of the meetings for conference calls to keep my proposal moving forward. I was hardly the only one. Most people ended up on a Blackberry at some point during the day. It's very hard to keep a room full of "E"s off their phones. On one of those calls, the proposal team decided they needed another call in the evening to talk more details with our partners. I was annoyed because that meant I was going to miss the reception, which really was an opportunity to talk and network. The "E" in me wanted to have a chance to talk to folks outside of the offsite.
The main offsite schedule ended, and I dashed home to be ready for the call. I took off my suit and put on my sweats, fed the cats, and got on the phone. And all but collapsed. All of a sudden, I was completely exhausted. The "E" was done; now I was in full "I" mode.
I find that this is often the case. When I'm around a crowd, I can be very convivial. I enjoy the company of others. At something like yesterday's offsite, I don't feel enervated by being "on". I don't notice the drain until I'm done. But when it's over, when I don't need to be an "E" anymore, I find that I am completely and totally spent.
The same thing happened a couple of weeks ago with my open house. For those four hours, I was happy to have everyone around, talking with my family and friends, and truly pleased to be able to share. And the second everyone left, done. Kaput. I got the house cleaned up and collapsed in front of the TV. It was all I could do not to go to bed. At 7 pm!
They say that the real way to tell an "E" from an "I" is how they get energized. An "E" needs to be around other people to get energy. An "I" is exhausted by being around others all the time. Clearly Myers-Briggs was right. I am right there, in the middle. Enjoying my "E" and energized when I'm in the midst of the crowd. And fully an "I" when it's over. The only thing I think they got wrong is that ultimately, I'm more of an "I" before an "E".
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It's Getting To Be That Time Of The Year
Last week, I got my first "holiday" catalog. I put holiday in quotes because it's just ridiculously early to be getting a catalog that refers to a holiday in December.
Today, I picked up my mail again. Two days' worth of mail - Monday and Tuesday. In the mail was nine catalogs. Nine! In two days. Now, I do buy quite a bit online - which equates to catalogs for each site. But just because I buy online doesn't mean that I want the catalogs. I don't even look at most of them. I put them right into the recycling bin. And feel guilty that I even got them in the first place. Though I have no idea how to stop them. A few sites offer the option of refusing the catalogs, but most only often the option to ask for the catalogs. Hmm...
The volume of catalogs will increase as the months pass and we get closer to Christmas. At some point, it becomes even more insane. As I have a relatively small mailbox, it will be a challenge for the mailman to get them all in.
The other challenge for the mailman is the number of solicitations. They too are increasing as the season for giving nears. Every year, I pick a handful of charities to which I donate at the end of the year. As a result, I am on many lists for charities and other organizations, much as I am on the lists of many retail stores.
In many ways, I resent the solicitations more than the catalogs. Like the catalogs, the solicitations go straight into the recycling bin. I don't open them. But unlike the catalogs, most of which are for stores at which I shop regularly, many of the solicitations come from charities to whom I haven't donated in years. And yet I still hear from them routinely, and even more in fall and early winter. Including at least one that said if I donated once, I'd never get another donation request. Yeah, right.
In general, I enjoy the holiday season. But the catalogs and solicitations don't add to the enjoyment. Three more months at least. Lovely.
Today, I picked up my mail again. Two days' worth of mail - Monday and Tuesday. In the mail was nine catalogs. Nine! In two days. Now, I do buy quite a bit online - which equates to catalogs for each site. But just because I buy online doesn't mean that I want the catalogs. I don't even look at most of them. I put them right into the recycling bin. And feel guilty that I even got them in the first place. Though I have no idea how to stop them. A few sites offer the option of refusing the catalogs, but most only often the option to ask for the catalogs. Hmm...
The volume of catalogs will increase as the months pass and we get closer to Christmas. At some point, it becomes even more insane. As I have a relatively small mailbox, it will be a challenge for the mailman to get them all in.
The other challenge for the mailman is the number of solicitations. They too are increasing as the season for giving nears. Every year, I pick a handful of charities to which I donate at the end of the year. As a result, I am on many lists for charities and other organizations, much as I am on the lists of many retail stores.
In many ways, I resent the solicitations more than the catalogs. Like the catalogs, the solicitations go straight into the recycling bin. I don't open them. But unlike the catalogs, most of which are for stores at which I shop regularly, many of the solicitations come from charities to whom I haven't donated in years. And yet I still hear from them routinely, and even more in fall and early winter. Including at least one that said if I donated once, I'd never get another donation request. Yeah, right.
In general, I enjoy the holiday season. But the catalogs and solicitations don't add to the enjoyment. Three more months at least. Lovely.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Cardio Vs. Non-Cardio
I came late to exercising. I pretty never exercised until I was almost 30. I did a little running, but not really enough to get in shape. As I was about to turn 30, I decided that I really needed to get in some kind of shape. I took up tae kwon do, and I quickly became addicted to it. I went from never working out to going to class 4-5 times a week. Within 3 years, I had my first degree black belt, and 4 years later, I got my second.
Along the way, I joined a gym. Part of the second degree black belt test was a physical fitness test. I was still heavier than I should have been, and I needed to develop endurance. So I worked out at the gym, I ran occasionally, I took class, and I taught class.
All of this was cardio.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine started teaching a class at my gym that is a combination of pilates and yoga. I went a few times to support her, and I really liked it. It was similar to tae kwon do in requiring strength and balance, but didn't feel like it was beating up my joints as much. And yet, I couldn't get past the feeling that a non-cardio workout just wasn't going to keep me in shape.
Tonight I took a power yoga class. Straight yoga - no pilates. And a harder class than the hybrid one is because most of the people there have taken yoga for a while. And tomorrow or the next day, I am going to be sore. It feels like it was a really serios non-cardio workout.
Cardio vs. non-cardio? Why not both?
Along the way, I joined a gym. Part of the second degree black belt test was a physical fitness test. I was still heavier than I should have been, and I needed to develop endurance. So I worked out at the gym, I ran occasionally, I took class, and I taught class.
All of this was cardio.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine started teaching a class at my gym that is a combination of pilates and yoga. I went a few times to support her, and I really liked it. It was similar to tae kwon do in requiring strength and balance, but didn't feel like it was beating up my joints as much. And yet, I couldn't get past the feeling that a non-cardio workout just wasn't going to keep me in shape.
Tonight I took a power yoga class. Straight yoga - no pilates. And a harder class than the hybrid one is because most of the people there have taken yoga for a while. And tomorrow or the next day, I am going to be sore. It feels like it was a really serios non-cardio workout.
Cardio vs. non-cardio? Why not both?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Hostess With The Mostess
It's an interesting expression, don't you think? Does it refer to a hostess who has too much? In that case, I think it applies! Though perhaps not in the way the original meaning was intended.
I threw an open house today for my friends and family to check out my new digs, now that I have furniture for everyone to sit on! Throwing a party can be a remarkably stressful thing. Well, maybe not stressful like many of the other aspects of my life, but stressful in its own way. I wanted to be sure that I had enough of everything - food and drink. And good food and drink at that. Because it was an open house in the afternoon, I didn't want to have anything too heavy. But I didn't want to have too little to eat either. I didn't think people would plan to eat a meal per se, but you don't want to disappoint either. And it's hard - at least for me it's hard - to judge how much people are going to eat. Maybe if I were a caterer, I'd be better at this. As it is, I feel it's always better to have too much than too little.
So I had white and red wines - 5 bottles of white and 4 bottles of red. I had asked my brother and sister in law to bring 2 of the bottles of red, and they bought HUGE bottles. So we definitely had more than enough of that. I bought a bunch of beer too. It is after all football season, and there were several games on. I thought beer would be appropriate for that. I originally bought 3 six-packs, but this morning bought 2 more just in case. Then I had Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite for the teetotallers, plus water - especially for my pregnant niece who drinks a ton of water, but also for me and others who like to drink water with our wine so we don't drink so much wine. When I was walking through the produce section, I saw apple cider. Which just screams fall, so I had to get some of that. Okay, maybe that was a lot of options and a lot of ounces, but I wanted to have enough for everyone to have whatever they wanted.
As for food, I had wings for my one hot food. Cheese and crackers are a staple in my family, so I had some good cheeses and crackers to go with them. A couple of veggie platters - with dip - for those who wanted something healthy. Chips and salsa, too. Chocolate chip cookies for those with a sweet tooth. One of my good friends bought me cupcakes from Georgetown cupcakes, so we had really special cupcakes too. Then nuts and candy corn for picking up a handful of munchies here and there. I had bought some other party cheese dip, but when I took it out of the refrigerator today, it said it expired several days ago. I guess it only lasts a day or two. As I didn't want to poison my guests, I threw it out. I had more than enough food, as it turned out. My refrigerator can attest to that.
Now I have lots of food and drink left over. No worries; I'm sure it will get used eventually.
But really the food and drink were not the point of the party. The point of the party was to celebrate with my friends and family. They are what makes me the hostess with the mostess.
I threw an open house today for my friends and family to check out my new digs, now that I have furniture for everyone to sit on! Throwing a party can be a remarkably stressful thing. Well, maybe not stressful like many of the other aspects of my life, but stressful in its own way. I wanted to be sure that I had enough of everything - food and drink. And good food and drink at that. Because it was an open house in the afternoon, I didn't want to have anything too heavy. But I didn't want to have too little to eat either. I didn't think people would plan to eat a meal per se, but you don't want to disappoint either. And it's hard - at least for me it's hard - to judge how much people are going to eat. Maybe if I were a caterer, I'd be better at this. As it is, I feel it's always better to have too much than too little.
So I had white and red wines - 5 bottles of white and 4 bottles of red. I had asked my brother and sister in law to bring 2 of the bottles of red, and they bought HUGE bottles. So we definitely had more than enough of that. I bought a bunch of beer too. It is after all football season, and there were several games on. I thought beer would be appropriate for that. I originally bought 3 six-packs, but this morning bought 2 more just in case. Then I had Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite for the teetotallers, plus water - especially for my pregnant niece who drinks a ton of water, but also for me and others who like to drink water with our wine so we don't drink so much wine. When I was walking through the produce section, I saw apple cider. Which just screams fall, so I had to get some of that. Okay, maybe that was a lot of options and a lot of ounces, but I wanted to have enough for everyone to have whatever they wanted.
As for food, I had wings for my one hot food. Cheese and crackers are a staple in my family, so I had some good cheeses and crackers to go with them. A couple of veggie platters - with dip - for those who wanted something healthy. Chips and salsa, too. Chocolate chip cookies for those with a sweet tooth. One of my good friends bought me cupcakes from Georgetown cupcakes, so we had really special cupcakes too. Then nuts and candy corn for picking up a handful of munchies here and there. I had bought some other party cheese dip, but when I took it out of the refrigerator today, it said it expired several days ago. I guess it only lasts a day or two. As I didn't want to poison my guests, I threw it out. I had more than enough food, as it turned out. My refrigerator can attest to that.
Now I have lots of food and drink left over. No worries; I'm sure it will get used eventually.
But really the food and drink were not the point of the party. The point of the party was to celebrate with my friends and family. They are what makes me the hostess with the mostess.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Bad Kitty Momma
One of my cats has been having problems with her fur matting. I took her to the vet today, really hoping that it wasn't another flea problem. They got fleas last year, and it was terrible to have to deal with it. For them and for me. They had to have medicine put on their fur - which of course they hated. And I had to get an exterminator in to deal with the infestation in my carpets and furniture. Lovely.
As it turned out, the matting wasn't being caused by fleas. Good news. But the vet isn't sure what is causing it. Of more concern from the vet's perspective was the fact that she had lost a pound. A pound for you and me isn't much. But for a 12-pound cat, it's about 10% of her body weight. Since I wasn't trying to get her to lose weight, the vet was concerned. And then he looked at her mouth. Oh boy. She has almost no teeth left. She has her canines (ironically) and only one molar. Which she's in danger of losing since it was covered in tartar. So the vet speculated that, perhaps, she's just not cleaning herself adequately anymore since her mouth hurts. I had noticed that she wasn't eating quite as much, but nothing dramatic. Other than the fur situation, she didn't seem to be experiencing any problems.
So I came home and looked at the mouth of my other cat. She has only one tooth in her whole mouth, as far as she would let me see. One. One lone canine. Bad, bad, bad.
And now I feel quilty that I hadn't noticed that my cats were having so many problems with their teeth. I am a bad kitty momma. :(
As it turned out, the matting wasn't being caused by fleas. Good news. But the vet isn't sure what is causing it. Of more concern from the vet's perspective was the fact that she had lost a pound. A pound for you and me isn't much. But for a 12-pound cat, it's about 10% of her body weight. Since I wasn't trying to get her to lose weight, the vet was concerned. And then he looked at her mouth. Oh boy. She has almost no teeth left. She has her canines (ironically) and only one molar. Which she's in danger of losing since it was covered in tartar. So the vet speculated that, perhaps, she's just not cleaning herself adequately anymore since her mouth hurts. I had noticed that she wasn't eating quite as much, but nothing dramatic. Other than the fur situation, she didn't seem to be experiencing any problems.
So I came home and looked at the mouth of my other cat. She has only one tooth in her whole mouth, as far as she would let me see. One. One lone canine. Bad, bad, bad.
And now I feel quilty that I hadn't noticed that my cats were having so many problems with their teeth. I am a bad kitty momma. :(
Monday, September 6, 2010
Meeting The Neighbors
This Labor Day weekend, I actually met three of my neighbors. One is a young lady - teenager or early 20s - who lives in the house to my left with her mother, whom I had met before. We both happened to be coming out of our houses at the same time. Part of the reason I haven't yet met any neighbors is that I get in my car in the garage (love the garage!). So by the time I hit the garage, I am ensconced in my car. But this particular day, I was putting the top down. I can't put the top down in the car. It hits the ceiling when I do. So I moved the car into the driveway to put the top down. As it was finishing, the young lady came out of her house. She saw me, waved, and then started to walk over. I was actually running late for an appointment, but I still stopped to talk to her. It's always good to know the neighbors, but to be honest, I'm also planning to change out all the windows in this house - and that requires permission from my immediate neighbors. Regardless, I would have stopped to talk. She was a lovely young woman, wearing a Doors t-shirt, a band her mother probably wasn't old enough to have actually heard live. Oh well. It's good to have music continue to have an audience. She did make me feel old, as does anyone in her age range. They remind me that I am old enough - and then some - to be their parent. She asked me if I had any kids or a husband, but alas, neither. Just a couple of lovely cats who keep me company, and the occasional foster kitten.
When I got back from my appointment, the elderly couple across the street was out working on his car, which had a flat. I had seen him that morning, actually, on our way to the mailbox. We had exchanged "Good mornings" but no names. This time, with his wife there, they waved and she said "Good morning" and something to the effect of having wanted to say hello but not usually seeing me. In fact, again, the only reason they were seeing me was because the garage door wasn't down yet (the car was in the garage) because I had a bunch of stuff to get out of the car and hadn't made it to the button to close the door yet. But, as it appeared to be the day to meet the neighbors, I went over to their place and met them both. He's retired. She's a flight attendant who flies all over the world, but mostly to Spain from what she was saying. Anyway, she's gone for days at a time, but he's around and was volunteered to take in my garbage can or packages - whatever I might need. Very nice. I did notice that they are ardent Republicans - Bush/Cheney and McCain/Palin bumper stickers. So we probably shouldn't talk politics or all that neighborly feeling might go away. Particularly when it comes to Palin. Still, nice folks and you never know when I might need my garbage can taken in.
When I got back from my appointment, the elderly couple across the street was out working on his car, which had a flat. I had seen him that morning, actually, on our way to the mailbox. We had exchanged "Good mornings" but no names. This time, with his wife there, they waved and she said "Good morning" and something to the effect of having wanted to say hello but not usually seeing me. In fact, again, the only reason they were seeing me was because the garage door wasn't down yet (the car was in the garage) because I had a bunch of stuff to get out of the car and hadn't made it to the button to close the door yet. But, as it appeared to be the day to meet the neighbors, I went over to their place and met them both. He's retired. She's a flight attendant who flies all over the world, but mostly to Spain from what she was saying. Anyway, she's gone for days at a time, but he's around and was volunteered to take in my garbage can or packages - whatever I might need. Very nice. I did notice that they are ardent Republicans - Bush/Cheney and McCain/Palin bumper stickers. So we probably shouldn't talk politics or all that neighborly feeling might go away. Particularly when it comes to Palin. Still, nice folks and you never know when I might need my garbage can taken in.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Putting Ambition On Hold
I am a fairly ambitious person when it comes to my professional life. I think it's part of why I keep joining startup companies. In addition to enjoying the challenge of getting a new business off the ground, I like the idea of being able to write my own ticket and direct my own future.
On the other hand, it's usually not that easy. Despite having been the 9th, 5th, and 5th employee of new companies, as well as one of the early employees a couple of other times, I was actually hired for specific roles in those companies. And getting more out of those roles was harder than I had thought it would be. And being one of the early employees didn't protect me from layoffs, as you'd think it might. I did get stock options in a bunch of these cases, but unfortunately, those haven't paid off too well yet. I got a check for $0.74 last year from one of them. At this rate, I'm sure I'll earn my first million soon.
Now I'm back at a big company again. The challenge is that - as it was when I left - my role this time is a little ill-defined. While in a startup that's to be expected - to some extent - it's not really the ideal in a large company. In a large company, having a job that's new to the company can be the kiss of death. On the other hand, they were very excited to have me back. And there are lots of folks who tell me that they missed me when I was gone. Which is definitely a good thing. But...
It's a big place, and it's easy to feel lost. And I don't like to feel lost. I don't like to feel like my job isn't defined. I want to feel like I am indispensable.
But how many people really feel that way? Really. Ever. Not even CEOs are secure these days.
So it's time to put my ambition on hold. And do my job. And have that be enough. Because if I do my job, and do it well, then I should be able to feel more secure. And right now, that's more important than being ambitious.
On the other hand, it's usually not that easy. Despite having been the 9th, 5th, and 5th employee of new companies, as well as one of the early employees a couple of other times, I was actually hired for specific roles in those companies. And getting more out of those roles was harder than I had thought it would be. And being one of the early employees didn't protect me from layoffs, as you'd think it might. I did get stock options in a bunch of these cases, but unfortunately, those haven't paid off too well yet. I got a check for $0.74 last year from one of them. At this rate, I'm sure I'll earn my first million soon.
Now I'm back at a big company again. The challenge is that - as it was when I left - my role this time is a little ill-defined. While in a startup that's to be expected - to some extent - it's not really the ideal in a large company. In a large company, having a job that's new to the company can be the kiss of death. On the other hand, they were very excited to have me back. And there are lots of folks who tell me that they missed me when I was gone. Which is definitely a good thing. But...
It's a big place, and it's easy to feel lost. And I don't like to feel lost. I don't like to feel like my job isn't defined. I want to feel like I am indispensable.
But how many people really feel that way? Really. Ever. Not even CEOs are secure these days.
So it's time to put my ambition on hold. And do my job. And have that be enough. Because if I do my job, and do it well, then I should be able to feel more secure. And right now, that's more important than being ambitious.
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