Is It Okay For Married Men To Flirt?

My answer to this question would be yes - and no.

At 47, I have a fair amount of married male friends. Some of them are guys I met after they were already married. Some of them I have known since they were single. Some have been past loves. Some have been past crushes. Some have no appeal at all.

I have one married male friend who used to flirt with me all the time, and it was fine. For him. For me. And for his wife. He was one of the guys I knew before he got married. We'd even kissed on a couple of occasions. We had a long history of flirting. And so when he did get married, it was hard to change that pattern. It was in large part our way of communicating. But he didn't flirt exclusively with me. He flirted with lots of women. That was his style. And his wife knew that. He also, after he was married, never took it too far. He never made overtures to me. He just had that sparkle in his eyes when we talked. When I asked him I'd his wife ever got jealous about all the women who flirted with him - because it went both ways and often started with the woman - he told me no. Because flirting with us got him "hot and bothered" and then he took it home to her. And so in that case, I think flirting is okay. She knew. He didn't push it. And he took his emotions to her in the end.

I have another friend. Also a big flirt. In this case, I only knew him as a married guy. When I met him, in fact, his wife was pregnant with their first kid. She did not have an easy pregnancy. She was irritable and uncomfortable. He started flirting with me because he wasn't getting to flirt with her. And from the beginning, that made it not okay to me. I enjoyed talking to him. He made me laugh and we always had fun together. But it often felt as though he was using me as a substitute for his wife. So although he never actually propositioned me, it felt like the intent was there. It felt as though, if I were to express interest - which I did not - he might take me up on it. I don't think he would have. He's ultimately a good guy and he loves his wife. But I never could get past the feeling that he wanted more - maybe just more intense flirting - but still more.

And so my answer is yes and no. Because I think it depends. I think if the marriage is strong, a little flirting can be okay. I think that men are men and women are women, and to assume that the flirting side of you - or the side that appreciates a good-looking member of the opposite sex - goes away after one gets married is just not realistic. But - and this is a big but - if the marriage is not strong, if one partner is looking for something outside the relationship because it's missing from the relationship - then flirting is wrong. Because then flirting has the potential to lead to cheating. And cheating is wrong.