Pre-Bound Girl

I was thinking today about the last time I had tried the online dating thing. I actually met a nice guy. When we first met, he wasn't sure that I was really his type, but we went out a few more times and eventually did date briefly. He did that thing that men often do (at least in my experience) of being responsive and calling me regularly in the first couple of weeks, and then dropped off the face of the planet for a couple of weeks. In his case though, he had a good excuse - his father had passed away and he was dealing with that. As a result, he also decided that it wasn't the right time to be starting a new relationship, and so he broke things off with me. A few months later, I sent him an email just to say hi and see how things were going after he had dealt with his dad's estate, etc. He wrote me back to say that it was great to hear from me and, oh by the way, he was getting married. Married! To a young lady he'd met doing a Habitat for Humanity thing. Totally in love. Hmmm....okay.

And I realized as I remembered this story that this isn't the first time that's happened to me. I realized that in fact I'm the pre-bound girl. I'm the girl / woman guys date right before they date the girl they decide to marry.

The first time was during college. I dated this guy over the summer. He was the intern pastor at my church (that's not the right term, but the right term isn't coming to me at the moment). He had had a girlfriend, but they had decided to break up since he was going to be in the DC area for a couple of years doing this internship. When I got back to school, I got a letter from him breaking up with me and explaining that he had gotten back together with his old girlfriend. The next piece of correspondence I got from him was an invitation to his wedding. Pre-bound.

The guy I dated my sophomore year of college went on to date another woman in our dorm his senior year - I think I set them up in fact. And he proposed toward the end of that year, and they got married that summer. The marriage didn't last, but I was still the last serious girlfriend he had before he dated the one he married. Pre-bound.

In fact, that happened twice with that particular guy. He and I dated again in my late 20s. Right before my 30th birthday, we broke up because he wanted to date someone who was as religious as he was. It was a few years later - and for him, several towns later - that he finally dated seriously again. A woman from his hometown that he met at a high school reunion. Who, as it turned out, was not religious at all. And by this time, he was in seminary. I'll never understand that particular turn of fate, but - even if it was separated by a few years - I was the girlfriend before his second marriage too. Pre-bound.

In my 30s, it happened again. This time, though, I have to say it was completely my fault. I had been dating this guy that I worked with. He was a great guy and we are, in fact, still friends. But there just wasn't that oomph with us. But there was this other woman that we worked with who laughed at all his jokes and seemed quite smitten with him. He was shy. She was shy. I was the middle(wo)man. As a result, I was maid of honor at their wedding. Pre-bound.

Even if it doesn't end up in marriage, I still seem to be the girl before the girl with whom things are serious. Another college beau and I dated briefly post-college. He asked me to marry him, and I said no. The next time I heard from him was note with a picture of a screaming newborn on it. His daughter.

There was this other guy that I'd had a crush on for forever. But he always had a girlfriend. Long-term girlfriends, though he wasn't the most faithful of boyfriends. I wasn't the other woman type. I guess he knew that because, even though he knew I was interested, he never cheated with me. But I did catch him once in between girlfriends. One night, he and I had a rendezvous. Of sorts. And so, while I would hardly refer to myself as his girlfriend, I can sort of count him on this list. Because the next woman he dated for any length of time after that, he married.

A few years ago, I sort of dated this guy that I'd known for a long time. He was a real player and so it was really more fun than anything else. But still, I thought we were "involved" in some way, shape, or form. February 13th, I called him to say thanks for nothing with regard to doing anything for Valentine's Day. Not that I really expected anything, but I had called him to see if we were going to do anything. And he'd ignored my calls. Perhaps he had good reason - in his mind. You see, as it turned out, he was selling his house and moving in with his girlfriend! Yeessh!

The final story is really the best, though. I dated this guy in my early 20s. He was the best friend of the guy that I really wanted but couldn't have. He knew that I was really in love with his best friend. I knew that there was a woman from his past that he wanted but could never have. She had married someone else. One night, he picked me up and we went for a drive. He solemnly told me he had something important to tell me. And then he started telling me this long, complicated story, the gist of which was the love of his life was back in town, had left her abusive husband, and as soon as she was free, they were getting married. So he was sorry, but that meant he wasn't going to be seeing me anymore - duh! And I completely understood. And wished him every happiness. And was more than a little jealous that his great love had worked out. But it still counts as a pre-bound.

I don't have the foggiest idea what all this means. I'd like to think that I prepared these men for the idea of commitment. Or maybe it's just a matter of timing and getting older along the way. It's hard to say. All I can say is I'm tired of being the pre-bound. Maybe one of these days I'll get to be the "bound" instead?